Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Co-parenting in separation

Some people make co-parenting look easy. It is one of the hardest things to do or deal with during separation;

  1. I cannot even stand him right now after all he put me through; suffering with my children while e is still alive.
  2. He stood with his girlfriend and planned to lock me up in prison.
  3. He said he did not want to see me, open my mouth or hear me breath…somebody tell me then why I need to open my mouth and deal with this man for the sake of my children…

Truly speaking the network around me and my job can and will help me take great care of my children without him in the picture. I had shut him out for a good three months, without seeing his children or me. He was losing his mind. I did not kidnap them in anyway but he sent us packing. If you do not want to see me or hear me breath where do you want to find the kids? At the club or train station?

Being separated from him has clearly restored my life, half of my happiness and my being. Staying in touch with him makes me mad. After unblocking him its like I opened up my world to him. He can face time his children only and on allocated times but still at the sound of his voice I want to break my phone. I had to work on myself and try to cope.

Our residential place remains anonymous and out of bounds to him until such a time. For now this is all I can do for him really. I am protecting my children and myself from harms way. We have lived in harsh conditions so now its our time to shine.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

I chose to start with my healing first

Do not ask me if it worked or not…because i am not sure if it did. i find myself back at one all over again.

I look at myself now at peace and doing so much better. I have given myself away and loved truly and fairly for 2.5 years staying in a rough marriage. I gave love and stayed committed, I ran a good race. I pat myself at the back and congratulate myself.

Its hard to stay married during hard times and I was determined to make it through. I chose to start with my healing first so I could deal with my challenges later. It’s actually hard to deal with infidelity no matter how much you can try to heal, it hits you hard at some point.

His girlfriend told me he found happiness in my husband and tried to hide their relationship, but I discovered for myself, she did not stalk me or do something that would make me notice her. She had respected me and still respects me. Her words. I was broke and dry, no car. He took my money and “built” a home with his girlfriend. She says she found happiness, she gets everything she wants from him, she means my money I was funding them thinking I was investing in the family business and building; I was asking myself where the money was going. He was pissed that I had all the proof and every bit of information I needed.

They connived and tried to send me to prison for knowing my rights as a wife and having information. I am not sure how long they wanted me locked up for. Silly them telling the truth to the domestic violence unit only to discover how ill-advised they were. I was called by the unit hoping to help me “fix” my marriage. They told me about the new couple opening a case against me only to find that I had more information that them as the police. They listened to me with shock. The police then told me they dismiss them with no file against. I never imagined my own husband sending me to prison all in the name of love for another woman. He could have just divorced me, I would gladly give him divorce without a fight.

He finally got the courage at the police station, well, on another day to tell me he didn’t want to hear me speak or breathe, he wants nothing to do with me. I gladly packed for my children and myself in the company of my family and left knowing very well karma was alive and watching. I focused on building myself up and getting a safe home for myself and the children. I did just that depending on hand outs and prayer. I was successful.

I look back at all these, almost gave me a heart attack. I look at myself now. Girl, you made it. My children are growing up beautifully. My life is coming up ok. I was no house wife, I am employed full time, 8am-5pm job, you get home tired and still do some chores and play with the babies, that has kept me alive. I am doing absolutely great and karma has started serving some soup on the other side; entrée.

He confiscated his car so I could be grounded or stranded. I got used to buses I would ask around the hood until I got used to the new route and charges..oh and rain…it was all for a good cause. Building me up to help others and the rain watering me for better days to come. It has been a rough four months that feels like a decade.

I am still married to him until I decide what I am to do with him and his life. I am waiting for him to heal if he has to and come back to his senses. Life has a way of teaching you LIFE. I have not lost a thing…..i am winning although staying married now is really really tough.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

I traded my kids happiness for my marriage

I have not written in a long time. All these thoughts in my head and no time to share.

My spirit is taking me back as I am looking at my kids peacefully sleeping. I remember a bad-tempered mom; shouting and being angry because I was not happy. All these things going on in my marriage were coming out in the form of anger towards my children. I could have killed them, I was not myself.

It makes me sad as I remember how my first born would cry and I would sit there in silent not paying attention and my husband shouting at me and making it worse. He did not help me with the kids at all and the problems made it worse. Being under the same roof as him was destroying everything.

My spirit is really reflecting on a sad page of my life. I have been a terrible mum trying to keep things under wraps and in turn killing myself by not opening up to someone. I was trying to hard to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok. When he left the house, I would be in total peace and happy. When time came for him to come back or me going back to the house after work I would cry and ask myself why I was going back there.

I abused my children all in the name of love. I traded their happiness for my own good, trying to keep my family together. How did I get there and how could I trade my children’s happiness for someone who did not even care or see it?

How did I loose it like that?

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

My memory is taking me back to difficult times

I am in good space now to actually put my thoughts down and share what has been happening. My memory is really taking me back to difficult times.

I remember how he told the cops and his family how he stopped eating my food because he did not know what I was cooking for him or feeding him. I was bewitching him now. He would either eat with his children or eat if he finds me still cooking so he can monitor or see what I put in his food. I remember very well because that is what he did so I would pack that meal into my lunch box the next day from the microwave.

Just because he has met someone else, all he sees in me is a witch. A stupid witch to cook for him knowing very well he would eat with the children or children obviously wanting a share of his meal. Either I am stupid or he is. Do I really want to murder the whole family? What’s in it for me? My children are my world. My world with them is complete. What a witch I have become ha!!

This was his shocking revelation of which I am told he apologized and corrected. Oh! Well, he did not apologize to me so that is where I am until he tells me he did not mean that. This is where we need to start when he decides to apologize. I do not want to believe that any sane person would want to go back to the same witch.

Well, when I said yes I did not know my yes would drag me along such a path. Still married even though we are hanging by the thread.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Staying married is hard: Finding purpose even in the darkest hour

I have not updated my blog in a while, i am fighting with life. Everything is so real and happening real quick. Staying married now is hard. I am trying to find balance and meaning of life.

I believe everything in life has a purpose and a reason. It is for us to find these two and seek either the positive or negative. It depends on how you think and your feelings really. It is a choice after all.

As i am still going through this phase in my life i am asking myself all the questions and i get negative answers. I am taking care of his kids and its not easy when being married is hard. I get angry for no reason and shout at the kids. Is it really worth it, no. I am mad at myself for letting the situation control me. I am not enjoying my kids anymore but all i see when i look at them is problems. He has deserted them. Poor souls depend on me for love, care and support. I also depend on myself for love and courtesy.

I am trying to find purpose now to drive me to my happy place so that i can live again. I realise that happiness is within us. It is hard to ignore the conflicts of the heart, you find yourself thinking and concentrating on lifeless things that are not benefiting you but are killing you. The heart can only take so much. The more idle i am the more lifeless i become…as a man thinketh so is he…

I am tormenting myself with these useless thoughts that are making me mad. Why not find a new purpose. The darker the times the harder you need to fight for survival. My kids need me healthy and full of energy. I have not found it yet but i will fight until i find this purpose.

I am still married and lifeless…searching for purpose and love

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

As i reflect on my birthday: July 9

So today is my birthday, im over the moon. I’m so excited because i feel i have achieved some things and i have been blessed with so much. Nothing money can buy really.

I have chosen to stay in a marriage that is in need of mercy by choice. Life cannot be easy always, it would not be fair. We would not get to learn, experience things so that we can help our children. We are not at breaking point but we are learning who we are. We have not even reached 5years yet, this is nothing😃.

I have two handsome boys. Blessings money cannot buy. My reason to wake up everyday and be thankful, work even harder so that they live an affordable lifestyle. When you have kids life change you know, you are no longer that carefree spirit. They tame us, especially us mums. The love is also shared with the dad but they take most of it, unknowingly. The priorities change, focus changes; they become the center now. I’m thankful for them, keeping me busy like that.

Life itself. We learn, laugh and live. The life choices i have made have led me to where i am. Some choices have delayed me but who knows, i i cou have ended up dead. As i look back and acknowledge that i have lived fairly, i am justified to celebrate 34 years of living life fully.

This is just a personal note. Help me celebrate my special day. I have enjoyed life, yet to enjoy my marriage….things will change, hot coals are just for a short while to burn soft skin and harden it for rough turf.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Fix yourself so that you can contribute positively to change

I am just sitting here looking at my positioning and thinking, what have we done. I have high expectations which cannot be met. They say ladies live in a television world not knowing that television displays what we want.

These high expectations i i ha demanded have led to him labelling me confused. Am i really confused or our school of thought is different. What is a priority to me is not a priority to him. I made a list of my demands and what he is on the side. Realising that he was totally different from what i i demanded, i had to do something that would heal me. I had to prepare myself so that i do not hurt.

I decided to fix myself. My heart was in the wrong place and i needed to change my way of thinking and demands. I had to live with what he can provide and do away with what he could not provide. He was working longer hours as a businessman and came home late, bath and sleep. I wanted him to come home early, enjoy dinner around the table with the family, have time with the kids before bed. That was just impossible really looking at his schedule, i had to cancel it and counsel myself.

I had to change my position by contributing positively to it because i was actually on the other side of life and walking alone. You cannot contribute positively to change if you are still hurting and angry. Especially if both of you are at that high peak. You have to draw strength from the other partner. If the other partner is negative the other half should be positive. This strategy has given me peace. There gas been less talking because i was the one with the loose tongue pointing out weaknesses now i overlook them and let him be. Suprisingly, he knows when he has done something wrong but does not like being corrected.

Woman are complicated and can make your life miserable if you do not accept and develop a coping mechanism. We are tough and demanding but at times its good to take the back seat, remain calm and watch….i choose to stay married within these trying times.