Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Co-parenting in separation

Some people make co-parenting look easy. It is one of the hardest things to do or deal with during separation;

  1. I cannot even stand him right now after all he put me through; suffering with my children while e is still alive.
  2. He stood with his girlfriend and planned to lock me up in prison.
  3. He said he did not want to see me, open my mouth or hear me breath…somebody tell me then why I need to open my mouth and deal with this man for the sake of my children…

Truly speaking the network around me and my job can and will help me take great care of my children without him in the picture. I had shut him out for a good three months, without seeing his children or me. He was losing his mind. I did not kidnap them in anyway but he sent us packing. If you do not want to see me or hear me breath where do you want to find the kids? At the club or train station?

Being separated from him has clearly restored my life, half of my happiness and my being. Staying in touch with him makes me mad. After unblocking him its like I opened up my world to him. He can face time his children only and on allocated times but still at the sound of his voice I want to break my phone. I had to work on myself and try to cope.

Our residential place remains anonymous and out of bounds to him until such a time. For now this is all I can do for him really. I am protecting my children and myself from harms way. We have lived in harsh conditions so now its our time to shine.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

I chose to start with my healing first

Do not ask me if it worked or not…because i am not sure if it did. i find myself back at one all over again.

I look at myself now at peace and doing so much better. I have given myself away and loved truly and fairly for 2.5 years staying in a rough marriage. I gave love and stayed committed, I ran a good race. I pat myself at the back and congratulate myself.

Its hard to stay married during hard times and I was determined to make it through. I chose to start with my healing first so I could deal with my challenges later. It’s actually hard to deal with infidelity no matter how much you can try to heal, it hits you hard at some point.

His girlfriend told me he found happiness in my husband and tried to hide their relationship, but I discovered for myself, she did not stalk me or do something that would make me notice her. She had respected me and still respects me. Her words. I was broke and dry, no car. He took my money and “built” a home with his girlfriend. She says she found happiness, she gets everything she wants from him, she means my money I was funding them thinking I was investing in the family business and building; I was asking myself where the money was going. He was pissed that I had all the proof and every bit of information I needed.

They connived and tried to send me to prison for knowing my rights as a wife and having information. I am not sure how long they wanted me locked up for. Silly them telling the truth to the domestic violence unit only to discover how ill-advised they were. I was called by the unit hoping to help me “fix” my marriage. They told me about the new couple opening a case against me only to find that I had more information that them as the police. They listened to me with shock. The police then told me they dismiss them with no file against. I never imagined my own husband sending me to prison all in the name of love for another woman. He could have just divorced me, I would gladly give him divorce without a fight.

He finally got the courage at the police station, well, on another day to tell me he didn’t want to hear me speak or breathe, he wants nothing to do with me. I gladly packed for my children and myself in the company of my family and left knowing very well karma was alive and watching. I focused on building myself up and getting a safe home for myself and the children. I did just that depending on hand outs and prayer. I was successful.

I look back at all these, almost gave me a heart attack. I look at myself now. Girl, you made it. My children are growing up beautifully. My life is coming up ok. I was no house wife, I am employed full time, 8am-5pm job, you get home tired and still do some chores and play with the babies, that has kept me alive. I am doing absolutely great and karma has started serving some soup on the other side; entrée.

He confiscated his car so I could be grounded or stranded. I got used to buses I would ask around the hood until I got used to the new route and charges..oh and rain…it was all for a good cause. Building me up to help others and the rain watering me for better days to come. It has been a rough four months that feels like a decade.

I am still married to him until I decide what I am to do with him and his life. I am waiting for him to heal if he has to and come back to his senses. Life has a way of teaching you LIFE. I have not lost a thing…..i am winning although staying married now is really really tough.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

I traded my kids happiness for my marriage

I have not written in a long time. All these thoughts in my head and no time to share.

My spirit is taking me back as I am looking at my kids peacefully sleeping. I remember a bad-tempered mom; shouting and being angry because I was not happy. All these things going on in my marriage were coming out in the form of anger towards my children. I could have killed them, I was not myself.

It makes me sad as I remember how my first born would cry and I would sit there in silent not paying attention and my husband shouting at me and making it worse. He did not help me with the kids at all and the problems made it worse. Being under the same roof as him was destroying everything.

My spirit is really reflecting on a sad page of my life. I have been a terrible mum trying to keep things under wraps and in turn killing myself by not opening up to someone. I was trying to hard to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok. When he left the house, I would be in total peace and happy. When time came for him to come back or me going back to the house after work I would cry and ask myself why I was going back there.

I abused my children all in the name of love. I traded their happiness for my own good, trying to keep my family together. How did I get there and how could I trade my children’s happiness for someone who did not even care or see it?

How did I loose it like that?

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

My memory is taking me back to difficult times

I am in good space now to actually put my thoughts down and share what has been happening. My memory is really taking me back to difficult times.

I remember how he told the cops and his family how he stopped eating my food because he did not know what I was cooking for him or feeding him. I was bewitching him now. He would either eat with his children or eat if he finds me still cooking so he can monitor or see what I put in his food. I remember very well because that is what he did so I would pack that meal into my lunch box the next day from the microwave.

Just because he has met someone else, all he sees in me is a witch. A stupid witch to cook for him knowing very well he would eat with the children or children obviously wanting a share of his meal. Either I am stupid or he is. Do I really want to murder the whole family? What’s in it for me? My children are my world. My world with them is complete. What a witch I have become ha!!

This was his shocking revelation of which I am told he apologized and corrected. Oh! Well, he did not apologize to me so that is where I am until he tells me he did not mean that. This is where we need to start when he decides to apologize. I do not want to believe that any sane person would want to go back to the same witch.

Well, when I said yes I did not know my yes would drag me along such a path. Still married even though we are hanging by the thread.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Staying married is hard: Finding purpose even in the darkest hour

I have not updated my blog in a while, i am fighting with life. Everything is so real and happening real quick. Staying married now is hard. I am trying to find balance and meaning of life.

I believe everything in life has a purpose and a reason. It is for us to find these two and seek either the positive or negative. It depends on how you think and your feelings really. It is a choice after all.

As i am still going through this phase in my life i am asking myself all the questions and i get negative answers. I am taking care of his kids and its not easy when being married is hard. I get angry for no reason and shout at the kids. Is it really worth it, no. I am mad at myself for letting the situation control me. I am not enjoying my kids anymore but all i see when i look at them is problems. He has deserted them. Poor souls depend on me for love, care and support. I also depend on myself for love and courtesy.

I am trying to find purpose now to drive me to my happy place so that i can live again. I realise that happiness is within us. It is hard to ignore the conflicts of the heart, you find yourself thinking and concentrating on lifeless things that are not benefiting you but are killing you. The heart can only take so much. The more idle i am the more lifeless i become…as a man thinketh so is he…

I am tormenting myself with these useless thoughts that are making me mad. Why not find a new purpose. The darker the times the harder you need to fight for survival. My kids need me healthy and full of energy. I have not found it yet but i will fight until i find this purpose.

I am still married and lifeless…searching for purpose and love

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

As i reflect on my birthday: July 9

So today is my birthday, im over the moon. I’m so excited because i feel i have achieved some things and i have been blessed with so much. Nothing money can buy really.

I have chosen to stay in a marriage that is in need of mercy by choice. Life cannot be easy always, it would not be fair. We would not get to learn, experience things so that we can help our children. We are not at breaking point but we are learning who we are. We have not even reached 5years yet, this is nothing😃.

I have two handsome boys. Blessings money cannot buy. My reason to wake up everyday and be thankful, work even harder so that they live an affordable lifestyle. When you have kids life change you know, you are no longer that carefree spirit. They tame us, especially us mums. The love is also shared with the dad but they take most of it, unknowingly. The priorities change, focus changes; they become the center now. I’m thankful for them, keeping me busy like that.

Life itself. We learn, laugh and live. The life choices i have made have led me to where i am. Some choices have delayed me but who knows, i i cou have ended up dead. As i look back and acknowledge that i have lived fairly, i am justified to celebrate 34 years of living life fully.

This is just a personal note. Help me celebrate my special day. I have enjoyed life, yet to enjoy my marriage….things will change, hot coals are just for a short while to burn soft skin and harden it for rough turf.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Fix yourself so that you can contribute positively to change

I am just sitting here looking at my positioning and thinking, what have we done. I have high expectations which cannot be met. They say ladies live in a television world not knowing that television displays what we want.

These high expectations i i ha demanded have led to him labelling me confused. Am i really confused or our school of thought is different. What is a priority to me is not a priority to him. I made a list of my demands and what he is on the side. Realising that he was totally different from what i i demanded, i had to do something that would heal me. I had to prepare myself so that i do not hurt.

I decided to fix myself. My heart was in the wrong place and i needed to change my way of thinking and demands. I had to live with what he can provide and do away with what he could not provide. He was working longer hours as a businessman and came home late, bath and sleep. I wanted him to come home early, enjoy dinner around the table with the family, have time with the kids before bed. That was just impossible really looking at his schedule, i had to cancel it and counsel myself.

I had to change my position by contributing positively to it because i was actually on the other side of life and walking alone. You cannot contribute positively to change if you are still hurting and angry. Especially if both of you are at that high peak. You have to draw strength from the other partner. If the other partner is negative the other half should be positive. This strategy has given me peace. There gas been less talking because i was the one with the loose tongue pointing out weaknesses now i overlook them and let him be. Suprisingly, he knows when he has done something wrong but does not like being corrected.

Woman are complicated and can make your life miserable if you do not accept and develop a coping mechanism. We are tough and demanding but at times its good to take the back seat, remain calm and watch….i choose to stay married within these trying times.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Stop focusing on how dark the hole is and secure yourself

So as we are still on that difficult path any marriage goes through i chose to be happy. It’s amazing how a little happiness can drive people crazy, not because you are in their faces but because of their own frustrations. They ask themselves why is this one happy when we are in this deep dark hole because you will be singing in that dark hole while figuring a way out.

Its unfortunate that happiness is contagious to a certain extent. Negativity will drive you crazy because you will not see anything good. All you see is bad people and a bad life, when people talk to you, you burst for no reason. I decided that you know what through it all i choose not to concentrate on the problems but let me take care of myself. I know change starts with me so let me rake care of myself, when i feel good, i will do good regardless of my situation.

Change is hard but has to be done. When you are in this deep dark hole with no way out at that moment take 5 steps back and breath. Stop focusing on the darkness in that hole. Stop screaming for help for you do not know how many folks are happy with you in that hole. Screaming for help brings different  types of help; the one that will help you get out and the one that will help you dig the hole deeper. You will not even know it because all you want is a solution.

The moment you secure yourself and your feelings you will soon find the exit. You need to stay calm and listen. Some situations just need you to shift your focus. You will be surprised what staying calm and choosing positivity can do for you. Things change on their own, all you need to do is withdraw yourself and not focus on the problem.

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

Marriage survival tips

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted, ask some of us. If you have been married twice or three times u definitely know what i am talking about. Even if you marry once, you see flames and then search for your empty survival kit.

Everyone can tell you a different story about marriage. We all face challenges at some point. Some of us have bad starts and then enjoy heaven in the middle. Others have heavenly starts that lead them to hell. I am one of those who had a bad start. I do not know jow many times i i ha packed my bags and became negative. I was ready to raise my kids on my own feeling crazy. I will not lie to you some say marriage suck, i say it sucks if you have not discovered the other side of love.

I know what love is, i have dated before settling. Unfortunately i settled with a different kind. The one that wants a wife and children but does not have time for family, making money to supply the family becomes a priority. He is happy loving and supplying in abundance. I am employeed myself and taking care of the home is not easy, i am exhausted half the time and my kids are -2yrs old, imagine my life as a “single parent.”

I had my fair share of complains, telling how he was not there for us. He just wanted a trophy wife; be there, take care of the kids and stay gorgeous. I then looked at love differently and accepted that i was living in the movies and he was reality. I put together my survival kit so that i could not hurt easily;

1. I opened an empty drawer for deposits. I deposit anything he does that would hurt me before i discovered who he was. He gets too busy and feels checking on me is not important. I love being checked on but it is not worth fighting about so i deposit this one in here. I value things and prioritize, anything not worth fighting about i deposit it,these are mostly things i want that are not met either because of differences in background or because he is being a man…i am now used to picking after him without talking; deposit drawer…and close it permanently…its just not worth it.

2. I withdrew myself from him. I was too attached. He was the centre for everything. I withdrew and taught myself to accept him the way he is and above that love him. He is not a cuddler, i love holding hands and cuddling…maybe its the age gap, i i  not know. He loves me in a different way, accept him the way he is and teach yourself to be open minded and flexible. You cannot force him to cook dinners if he is just not the type.

3. I found a hobby to keep me busy. I enrolled at the gym for my own health and to occupy myself. I do not want to get to a point where i am lonely and keep tabs on him; it happens. I also decided to keep at my travelling game with my kids and let him be. If he is free he can join us but for now let him make money until it satisfies him.

4. I remembered my mom-duties. I remembered the joy of taking care of my kids and looking into their innocent eyes and telling them daddy loves them, he was just building am empire for all of us. They get cranky if they do not see him for days so i asked him to make time atleast to keep the bond with them and he respects that.

5. I found the Lord. Faith keeps me going. I pray for him more than i pray for myself. He is always on the road, he must be protected from harms way. I was raised in the faith and i adopted that lifestyle for myself as well.

6. I love him the way he wants to be loved. I love him my way but his way. I had demands for him  to love me my way; buy me flowers, call me now and again, hook up for lunches; hold hands and cuddle. He is clearly not that type and it has taken me fighting and sweat to discover this. I love him my way and he learns to return the love, i am happy with him learning because i know he will improve with time. It all depends on exposure.

7. I discovered the girl in me. I go out a lot now for sauna, facial treats, massages and swimming. These are things woman do without the involvement of the man. The girl in me keeps clean and the husband is always on his toes and after his wife. I stay gorgeous and fresh for myself but it makes him feel good but he will not tell me.

There is actually a lot people can share on this topic. Ladies have strategies to deal with any situation if they want, that is how we are created. Man will excuse us, we love them too much so we find coping mechanisms to helps us pick up after then without opening our mouths…when staying married is hard but yet you choose to stay married

Married, Relationship, Counselling, Marriage

The first man a girl loves is her father

Unfortunately our fathers set the pace for the man we settle with. The first influential male figure is my father before any other male. He displayed love to my mother, respect, good character and have led our family with such strong principles and in the faith. We grew up knowing right from wrong and in old age chose our own paths.

My mother was a house wife and never lacked a thing. She did not even have to ask because my father was there as a provider. He would hand out money to my mother for her to buy whatever we needed, groceries and her own needs. The car she drove was in good condition because my father knew it had to be serviced on time, check oil and water some days. I do not know what would happen inside closed doors but happiness was all we saw from our mother, they were happily married. Yes, there were moody moments that did not last long because of love, i guess.

The same goes for the man who marry us. Monkey see monkey want. The way my parents set up home for us, i want that or more for my own house. He set the pace for my husband. He either has to match that or exceed expectations. I have seen love in his eyes, i want to see it in my man’s eyes. The high standards that he displayed are what i hope to find in my partner. Living the life with my father and all the things i have seen in him confirm in my mind how a man treats a woman.

It is a bit unfair. We grew up in different places. What if his father never displayed the kind of love i want to his mother. What if his father was not all that and now here i am with my expectations. He is willing to learn but i do not have to force some things down his throat. I must learn to be patient.

My husband believes i have to ask and report. It is a bit hard, i ask myself “don’t you know i need money for gas, clothes and other things.” I end up being quiet or doing things for myself because what he needs me to do is not in me. I feel like a begger. I guess i have to get used to this way of life and adjust. He is not my father and he will never be or do like my father.